Developing a Courageous Mindset

Stories, Life Lessons & Tips

Courage is key to Growth

A story

For the past few years, I have thought a lot about Courage. In particular, that the way we talk about courage is very different than what it feels like to actually BE courageous.

We admire courage, and for good reason. When we talk about it, we express our respect and our awe for the actions people have taken. We praise what courage looks like in action, and also its impact.

 

But we don’t often talk about what courage feels like.

Courage means feeling fear, and taking action anyway. Moving forward, and putting one foot in front of the other, even as we feel filled with anxiety and thoughts like “Do not proceed”.

So the personal experience of courage is actually feeling discomfort, but not letting that discomfort prevent us from taking action.

 

There is much written these days about the importance of discomfort. And for good reason. Discomfort is hard to sit with so tempting to avoid. It can be painful. It doesn’t feel good. It’s easy for our minds to interpret discomfort as, “Danger! I need to get myself out of here immediately to be safe.”

On the flip side, when we feel comfortable, we think we’re safe. That all is well in the world and with us.

 

Discomfort is tricky, because it doesn’t necessarily mean there IS danger that should prevent us from taking action. Discomfort can arise because of feeling tension due to: 

• Ways we were socialized that were never in our best interest/ made sense in the first place (like being told to “go along” and not ask for what we want or need)

• Self-limiting beliefs that we’ve internalized as “truths” (such as, don’t talk to the person 3 levels above you when you pass them in the hallway, or don’t ask for the raise)

• Self-doubt (I don’t have what it takes or I’ll never be good at it so why try)

 

Discomfort, while not something that FEELS good, is actually an important key to our growth. In fact, the more can learn to sit with our feelings of discomfort, rather than trying to run away from them, the more we evolve and expand our range. We open up possibilities for ourselves when we get better at staying with our discomfort, and not letting it stop us from taking action.

 

A couple of years ago I decided to try out an experiment. An experiment around courage. While I don’t consider myself a risk-averse person, I’m not sure that how risk tolerant we are really matters when it comes to courage. Because courage is taking action at the exact moment we feel discomfort. And we ALL feel discomfort when we get to the limits of what we know and what feels familiar or safe.

I called my experiment around courage “Assertiveness experiments”, and basically anytime I wanted to take action but felt uncomfortable, I would force myself to do the uncomfortable thing.

It was hard each time, but the benefits were incredible. People shared information with me that I thought I shouldn’t ask for. I learned all kinds of things! People said yes to things that I didn’t think they would. And they said yes happily, with no angst.

So much positive momentum came from these assertiveness experiments that I continued to do them. I was of course feeling uncomfortable each time, but loving the wins each time too.

 

I brought this experience into my work with my clients, and challenged them to engage in their own assertiveness experiments. One of my clients said to me, “Right! And once I get good at it I won’t feel the discomfort anymore!”

“No”, I said. “By definition, you always feel the discomfort. That’s built into the equation each and every time. It is always about feeling discomfort, and taking action anyways. But you will learn, deeply, that you can withstand the discomfort. It won’t kill you. It won’t even harm you. It just won’t feel good. But you can take it.”

 

This sentiment has been shared in many ways, and one of my favorites that I have heard recently is: “It’s like carrying a rock around all the time. It does get easier. The rock never gets lighter. But we get stronger.”

Lessons in Life & Leadership

Discomfort is a way to show us what the current end of our range is. Perhaps you feel comfortable delivering on your key projects, or managing your team. But maybe client presentations or the feeling of not knowing an answer right away in a meeting scares the crap out of you.

 

We often interpret discomfort as a sign of danger, and then think we should retreat. But when we adopt a courageous mindset, we can remind ourselves to interpret our discomfort differently: places where we are uncomfortable show us the next step we can take to expand our thinking to create new possibilities for ourselves. We evolve by taking action steps and moving forward even as we sit in feelings of fear or anxiety.

A Tip

Let fear and discomfort act as guides. Tune into your body and into your mind. When you feel fear or anxiety or discomfort, but you know that taking action can help you move forward, take action. Pay attention to the benefits you create in your life.