One key source of the stress and overwhelm we all experience at times is our complex relationships at work.
A client once shared with me that he went into the office early one morning to take a delicate call. He locked his office door to focus. In the middle of the call, he heard a knock at the door. He was at a crucial point in the conversation, so he ignored the knock. The colleague who had knocked was irritated that he hadn’t answered the door and complained to his supervisor.
Later his supervisor approached him, listened to his perspective, and asked, “How do you want to handle this?” He replied, “I’d like to speak with my colleague directly rather than go through you.” His supervisor replied with a smile, “Knowing you, that’s what I thought you’d say.”
He approached the colleague, listened to her perspective, and respectfully asked that in the future, she come to him directly before contacting his supervisor.
Sometimes our interactions feel difficult, but our relationships with our colleagues are essential.
When our alliances are strong, we viscerally feel the positive effects of many brains and talents put together. We are more engaged in our roles when we feel connected rather than isolated, and we also generate greater creativity and better thinking. When we create our best work, we do it together.
The key to building consistently strong relationships is developing our skills around communication and navigating the conflicts that inevitably arise when we work together.
Speaking with our colleagues openly and knowing that we can work through moments of tension builds trust and psychological safety, which are two foundational ways that the core value of love is demonstrated at work.
Core Values Rooted in Love Strengthen Professional Relationships
The two ingredients in every relationship, at work and personally, are simply—you and the other person. For our relationships to thrive, we must ensure that both perspectives are voiced and heard.
To be effective in our approaches with others, we must begin by creating a strong relationship with ourselves. When we know who we are as leaders and what we value, we are better positioned to be consistent in how we show up with others, ready to honestly share our own viewpoints and to listen empathically.
One way to know ourselves deeply, and therefore be consistent in how we interact, is by getting clear on our core values. This helps us as leaders and also simply as human beings—by having a clearly identified set of values that guide our choices. We are all busy, and we face competing demands. When we are clear on what we value most, it is easier, less stressful, and faster to make the decisions that will feel good to us in both the short and long-term.
Many of the great leaders I’ve had the pleasure of working with identify at least one core value that is rooted in love. I’ve heard it called many different things: “connection,” “care,” or “relationships.”
The particular word that resonates with each of us varies, but the root is the same—love.
How can we bring love, or care, empathy, compassion, and kindness into our work lives to build connected professional relationships?
Here are three different approaches to help build collaborative and caring relationships at work.
#1: Self-Assertion
Creating connected relationships begins with ourselves. When we’re clear on what we think and feel, we can be straightforward. When we’re engaging with our colleagues, it’s important to say the things we need to say, directly. Speaking with candor while also being diplomatic demonstrates that we know what we stand for, and we are also aware of our impact on others, which is one way love is expressed at work.
There is often confusion about what assertiveness means and what it looks like in action. Assertiveness means clearly stating your own point of view. Some people call this “speaking your truth.”
When people have trouble putting assertiveness into action, typically they are either coming on too strong and being aggressive by steamrolling over others, or they become passive and don’t directly state what they’re thinking or what they need.
Many times, when people over-rotate into aggression, or under-rotate into passivity, there is discomfort in clearly and calmly stating what is true from your own perspective.
In moments of frustration, I have heard people who have struggled with being perceived as coming on too strong say, “I’m just going to hold my tongue and not tell my boss what I think anymore.” The thing is, that approach doesn’t work. It may work for a day or a week, but over time feelings will build up and come out all at once, typically more aggressively than we would like.
Similarly, other folks vent their frustrations to their colleagues, but do not summon the courage to have a direct conversation with the person with whom they are feeling frustrated or stuck. When we give into passivity, we often hold onto our anger rather than letting it go, and we don’t give the other person an opportunity to hear us and work things through.
Feeling confident and empowered to state what you think is a form of self-love.
When you clearly and calmly share your point of view, maintain an awareness that it is your perspective and not an ultimate truth, and remember that you do deserve to say what you think aloud—you are not only benefitting yourself. You are also modeling the core value of love at work, expressed as assertiveness and candor, for your peers.
Your own assertiveness benefits your entire team in several ways. It creates clarity and reduces the need to guess about or decode what you think and where you stand. It promotes dialogue, encouraging your colleagues to speak honestly as well. Open exchanges then create a ripple effect, and drive creativity and innovation, spark problem-solving, and strengthen your team’s ability to work together.
#2: Empathic Listening
To build authentic and open relationships with others, we must first understand their perspective, even if we don’t agree with it. Demonstrating respect for others is another way love shows up at work. And it needs to be done daily, whether we’re interacting with someone we see often, or collaborating across teams or departments that we cross paths with more infrequently.
One way to show respect is to listen actively to what others are saying, and try to put ourselves in their shoes to see why they feel the way they do.
When truly listening to another person, I imagine a stage curtain coming down in between us. This curtain acts as a boundary between us, which can help us to be better listeners. The stage curtain allows you to stop focusing on what you think or want to say next (this is what’s behind the curtain), and instead really take in what the other person is saying (what’s in front of the curtain). When we take on the perspective of another person, we leave our side of the curtain where we’re immersed in our own opinions, and we step into their space, and their thoughts and feelings.
While we’re listening and empathizing, we want to stay steeped in the other person’s perspective.
As we listen to our bosses or our peers, we may have different feelings come up. We may disagree, feel frustrated, or even experience disrespect. When we remind ourselves that we don’t have to agree, it can free up the space we need to try to focus on understanding. To put ourselves in their shoes and process how they are experiencing the situation.
It’s important to know that when we listen, we don’t have to see things the same way. This is a place where things get murky for many of us. We can set up a black-and-white situation in our heads, where we think of our perspective, and the other person’s perspective as right or wrong.
However, if we can shift our mindset and understand that “I think this” and “they think this,” we can allow for two truths at the same time.
What’s important is to understand where our colleague is coming from. Taking the time to summarize what you heard the other person say and identify common ground can help you collaborate effectively with a coworker even when you disagree in places or have different visions for how to move the work forward.
Showing people that we hear them lowers defensiveness and typically result in people becoming calmer. A fundamental way to demonstrate love at work is to show people that you are really listening to them and respect their point of view.
When we stay connected to our colleagues, even as we disagree, we can keep our relationships strong and not let our differences become divisive. This is key to expressing love at work: communicating that holding different viewpoints does not have to harm our connection with the other person.
#3: Prioritize the Relationship
Building strong relationships with our colleagues means we’re both asserting what we think and feel, and understanding what the other person thinks and feels.
While the relationship is made up of you and your co-worker, it’s also a connection that goes beyond the two of you as individuals. To work together effectively, we must think about the relationship as its own bond, and identify what it needs to stay strong and productive.
This will mean compromise. It will mean setting boundaries. And it will mean grappling with the difficult question, “How can I show up as my best self?”
As I listen to my clients share their frustrations about work, I have heard time and time again, “I don’t respect what my colleague is saying,” or “I’m so frustrated by their behavior.”
Being in a relationship with anyone will always mean that we experience frustration, or don’t agree with how the person approaches or handles a situation.
However, to collaborate and make decisions as a team, or to work through conflict constructively, we need to think about what our working relationships need to function, grow, and thrive.
Sometimes the best strategy is compromise. To do this, we need to get clear on the distinctions between what we need (our non-negotiables), and what we want (our “nice to haves”). Our non-negotiables are things such as decisions that reflect our integrity or our ethics, or staying within the budget. Our “nice to haves” may be more about approach or the style of the work.
To create a satisfying compromise, we’ll need to set boundaries, and also respect the boundaries of the other person. This may look like stating that a certain aspect of our vision is really important to us and we don’t want to let go of that. Or it could look like insisting that certain staff are woven in to execute on the project. To honor the other person’s non-negotiables, we’ll have to let go of some of what we want. But by ensuring that each person gets some of what’s most important to them, we prioritize the health of our working relationships.
Finally, we can demonstrate love at work by prioritizing our relationships by asking ourselves the difficult question, “How can I show up as my best self?” when we’re in tough spots with others.
This is hard to do. One of my clients shared that she was working with a colleague who continually interrupted her in meetings with her senior peers. It was a situation that left her doubting herself, and unsure of how to proceed. When we explored the question, “How can you show up as your best self here?” she was able to decide that she wanted to have a candid conversation with one of her allies who could back her up when she was interrupted, and that she would not pause but rather would hold her ground and finish the point she was making even when her colleague tried to speak over her. Reflecting on who she is and how she wants to be helped her to choose asserting herself instead of shrinking, even though the situation made her uncomfortable.
When we ask ourselves the best-self question, it reminds us to pause and that we have choices about how we respond. It is an opportunity to make choices that are in line with our values and also to value the relationships by respecting both ourselves and the other person.
Infusing our working relationships with love, kindness, and mutual respect means:
Thinking about what BOTH people need to feel satisfied
Identifying where you need to stand your ground, and where you can let go (getting clear on your own boundaries)
Respecting the other person’s non-negotiables (honoring their boundaries)
Taking responsibility for our actions and how they impact others
Forgiving mistakes
Looking for creative solutions that work for both people
Remembering that the long-term health of the relationship is more important than the short-term difficulties you’re experiencing right now